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NORTH PROVIDENCE: THE THEME PARK

by FRANK O'DONNELL
August 10, 2008

I just returned from an eight-day visit to Orlando, and came away impressed with the way the Disney folks move people to, from and around their theme parks.
 
Traffic jams are almost non-existent once you’re on the Disney roadways.

Sure, there are human jams once you get inside the parks – like waiting in line an hour and fifteen minutes to spend two-and-a-half minutes screaming inside Space Mountain.

But until that point, there are monorails and trams and boats and buses ready to get you wherever you need to go.

Wouldn’t it be great, I thought as I stood on line, if North Providence could apply some of the Disney philosophy?

And that’s when it hit me.

Those developers missed the big picture when they proposed putting an amusement park on the Camp Meehan site.

Instead, what we need is to convert North Providence into a theme park.

Stay with me now.

The first thing we do is to convert the middle lane on Mineral Spring Avenue to a tramway, shuttling passengers east and west along our main thoroughfare, allowing them to disembark at prearranged destinations: Wildfire, the high school, Anthony’s Jewelers, CVS, any of the Dunkin’ Donuts, Pauly Penta’s and more.

Sure, getting out of the middle lane to your destinations might be a tad dangerous – but isn’t that part of the fun of a theme park?

Once the idea of North Providence: The Theme Park catches on, we’ll have enough money to install a monorail, eliminating the danger for the timid souls. The tramways can then be used for the secondary roads – Smithfield Road, High Service Avenue, Woodward Road, Douglas Avenue, Charles Street and more.

Eventually, we could eliminate the need for cars altogether in our fair theme park. Don’t go selling your Camaro just yet, though – that’s part of the long-range plan.

We’ll need to build some attractions around town to encourage out-of-towners to visit and plop down their hard-earned cash.

We start with Town Hall, using some ideas from Disney’s Main Street.

How about the Talking Wall of Mayors? The portraits of former and current mayors would actually have conversations with folks who come to inspect.

Do you know anyone in this town who’d pass up the chance to have just one more chat with Sal Mancini? We’re talking gold mine here.

Because we’re now a theme park, elected officials will be required to dress as Disney characters. Naturally, the mayor will be required to adopt the persona of Mickey Mouse, since he’s in charge of everything at Disney properties.

We’re not talking about a complete costume here – just enough so people get the idea they’ve found a special place on this planet. So, the mayor gets a special cutaway tuxedo coat, a top hat with Mickey ears and oversized white three-fingered gloves.

The folks who work in the tax assessor’s office will dress up as characters from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. School committee members will have to wear Goofy hats – at least until they learn to get along with one another. Members of the town council will dress either as Pluto or Donald Duck, depending on whether they’re seen as Mickey’s lap dog or a real rabble rouser.

We’ll rename the Peter Randall Reserve the 100-Acre Wood, and dress the town’s dog officer – who passes by there maybe 50 times on a daily basis anyway – as the Winnie the Pooh character of his choice.

We’ll turn Twin Rivers – the lakes separated by Route 7, not the casino – into water parks. The lake to the left as you head out of town will become a wave pool. And we’ll put Animatronic dolphins and killer whales in the lake that abuts Notte Park, just to give a little nod to Sea World.

And once the money starts rolling in, we’ll have enough cash to redirect the Mighty Woonasquatucket and convert it to a lazy river that circles the town.

Sure, it’s just a dream right now, but if we all embrace it, North Providence: The Theme Park can be a reality for our town’s next generation.

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