(UN)RELIABLE SOURCES:

DIAMOND DRILL

by FRANK O'DONNELL
April 21, 2008

Slather on the sunscreen and mosquito repellent, folks.
           
Babe Ruth baseball is back. And I expect this season to be every bit as entertaining as last.

Given the missing trees on the NPHS baseball field, there’s even an element of danger – for the motorists on Smithfield Road, that is.

Those trees, diseased or not, used to provide a foul ball buffer – sometimes keeping the balls inside the fence, but more often slowing their velocity to avoid significant damage to passing automobiles.

This year, I fully expect cries of “Foul!” to be followed by smashing glass and screeching tires.

Call it the Field of Shattered Windshields.

But the real entertainment is around the diamond itself.

I love the coaches who make every call from the dugout, before the umpire gets his chance. Brilliant move, if you ask me.

The umpire sees a strike, but you yell “Ball!” before he can even open his mouth. That forces the umpire to second-guess himself. Even if he still calls a strike on that play, the seed of self-doubt is planted.

Perhaps there’s something to be said for the power of suggestion.

Perhaps the league should simply suit up the coaches in blue shirts and chest protectors. That would save about $50 a game.

I love it when a coach yells out “Come on, Matt!” only to find out that the pitcher, the batter and the shortstop are all named Matt. There’s momentary confusion, but also a one-in-three shot that one of the Matts will “come on.”

We need a new rule in the draft. If a player doesn’t have a unique name, he needs a unique nickname. If he doesn’t have one, the league will assign one, in the same manner that John Belushi named the Delta pledges in “Animal House.”

My favorite Diamond Dude is Coach Ditto. He repeats everything twice.

“Be ready here, be ready here.”

“Ground ball now, ground ball now.”

Sometimes he’ll insert a kid’s name.

“Use your hands, Matt, use your hands.”

“I’m on the bench, Coach.”

“Not you, Matt, that Matt over there.”

“But I’m not on your team, Coach!”

“Use your hands anyway, use your hands anyway.”

You can catch Coach Ditto at the stands after every game, by the way, snacking on twice-baked potatoes and double chocolate brownies.

I also love the things the coaches yell to the kids.

“How about a hit, John?”

The power of suggestion works with umpires – why not with the players?

“We can’t win if you don’t hit the ball!”

Technically, you can win without hitting the ball, if you get lots of walks, and the other team doesn’t. Not exactly a game plan, but the possibility exists. So why not yell, “How about a walk, John?”

Sometimes when the umpire yells “Ball!” the coach will tell the batter, “Good eye!”

Which eye is good? And why only one? Don’t you need both eyes for the depth perception required to determine when a ball’s out of the strike zone? From now on, let’s yell, “Good eyes!”

Last but not least, “I want you to be a hitter, Billy Bob!”

What if the kid wants to be a ballerina? What do we do about that?

But the more important question: we’ve got a Billy Bob playing baseball in North Providence?

How did that happen? How did that happen?

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Frank O' Donnell, a comedian from North Providence, is the entertainment writer for the Breeze newspapers. Contact him at frankocomedy@cox.net with comments or story ideas or simply to join the North Providence Gang.