(UN)RELIABLE SOURCES:

WAITING FOR GOHO

by FRANK O'DONNELL
April 6, 2008

At first, I thought I was dreaming.

When the TV came on at 6 o’clock that morning, I thought I recognized the voice. It should have been Frank Coletta – that is after all his time slot in my house. Instead, it sounded an awful lot like a local educator.

I rolled over, bleary-eyed, to do a double check.

And there he was, in blazing living color.

Joe Goho, principal of North Providence High School, doing a commercial for the College Planning Center of Rhode Island.

“We’re very well acquainted with them,” explained Goho when I finally caught up with him later that morning, “and they with us.” CPCRI has sponsored SAT prep classes and college planning nights at the high school. Goho said he was happy to do the commercial. “It was the least I could do for them, after all they’ve done for us.”

No thought of future reward?

“It was a favor to them.”

So how long did it take to do the commercial?

“About an hour. I needed lots of makeup because of the shine on my head.”

I’ve got to tell you, Joe, you looked good. I wouldn’t be surprised if you got some calls to do more commercials. Maybe even a step or two above commercials.

Goho chuckled. “Come on, quit kidding. You really think so?”

Tell you what. I know some people. Let me float a couple of trial balloons, and I’ll let you know.

My first call was to my buddy Ed. He works in commercial production at Cox Cable.

“Hey, Frank, I’m glad you called,” he said. “You live in North Providence, right? Any chance you know the principal at North Providence High School?”

What a coincidence. That’s why I’m calling.

“Oh, man, I knew it. You signed him, didn’t you?”

Signed him?

“To a management contract. Darn! We were hoping to get to him before he had an agent.”

Well, too late. I signed him. What have you got for us?

“Local microbrewery is putting out a new golden ale. Bright Light. This Goho guy would be the perfect spokesman.”

 Not the right product, Ed. The man runs a high school.

“Yeah, you’re right. How about this? That mega car dealership over in Pawtucket needs a new clean cut spokesperson.”

Which dealership?

“Can’t tell you which one, not absolutely.”

I get it. And I’ll bet he’d have a lot of pride doing it.

“Yeah, that’s it, lots of pride. Absolutely. Think he’d do it?”

Doubt it. He’s not a car salesman. That’s when the phone buzzed.

Hang on, Ed, I’ve got another call. It’s my friend Anne. She runs the local TV and movie casting company.

“Frank, you’re there, great. I hear you’re representing Goho.”

You bet. What have you got for us?

“MTV’s got this…”

Next!

“’Brotherhood’ needs…”

I don’t think so.

“They’re remaking ‘Beverly Hills 90210.’”

I’m listening.

“They think Goho would be perfect as – get this – the high school’s principal.”

A little bit of typecasting, don’t you think? He’d like to stretch a bit.

“I’m sure I can convince them to make him a superhero on the side…”

Now you’re talking. But they’ve got to rename the show. “North Providence 02904.”

“I think they might go for that…”

Hang on, the phone’s buzzing again. It’s my buddy, Steve, from the Rhode Island Republican Committee.

“Frank, I hear you’ve got Goho’s ear.”

Well, sure, I signed him, didn’t I?

“We need him. For General Assembly, general office, representative, senator, anything. How do I get him on board?”

I’m not even sure he’s Republican.

“Listen, there aren’t any real Republicans in this state anyway. But if Goho declares for any office as a Republican, we’ll beat the Democrats hands down.”

I like it.

Goho in ’08. Go With Goho!

I’m having the buttons made.

As soon as I get him to sign with me, of course.

***

Frank O' Donnell, a comedian from North Providence, is the entertainment writer for the Breeze newspapers. Contact him at frankocomedy@cox.net with comments or story ideas or simply to join the North Providence Gang.