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WHITE OUT CONDITIONS IN NORTH PROVIDENCE

by FRANK O'DONNELL
January 13, 2008

It’s 10PM on Sunday night as I write this. Upstairs, my daughter is screaming. “No school tomorrow!”
           
I predicted that this afternoon at 2 o’clock.

We were in Shaw’s, and the dairy and bakery cupboards were bare. The only items still on the shelves that could pass as snow storm staples were cartons of soy milk and a couple of loaves of potato bread.

I’ve never been able to figure this out. How did bread and milk get to be the number one consumables when flaky frozen precipitation is heading directly for us?

Why not frozen pizzas and beer?       

Hot wieners and Pepsi would be my choice. But I guess wieners don’t have much of a shelf life.

Anyway, as we enter Phase II of our winter, I thought it appropriate to discuss the way we handle snow around our fair town.

1. If you live anywhere near a hill, it’s wise to plan a route to and from your house that circumvents the hill. If the guys at Public Works decide to implement Operation Let ‘Er Melt again, you’ll be glad you did.

2. If the plows are indeed unleashed this time around, remember that snow removal is exponentially slower the further you are away from Mineral Spring Avenue. I’m nestled in a valley near the Smithfield and Lincoln lines, so I’m still waiting to see the plows from the last storm.

3. Here’s something most North Providence drivers don’t know. Scientists have proved that ice and snow make roads slippery. And slippery roads are tougher to navigate. Go figure.

4. By the way, I’m told you’re supposed to remove the snow from your sidewalk so that people don’t have to walk on the street. I know, silly law, but there it is.

5. Did you know you’re required to remove ALL the snow from your car before driving anywhere? Me either. I’ve got to admit I find it cool, in a geeky sort of way, when a sheet of snow flies off a car in front of me on 146. It reminds me of an enemy spacecraft exploding thanks to my skillful phaser blasts, and I’m driving through its vaporized remains. Of course, the geek cool factor disappears immediately if that’s a sheet of ice coming off the car, and it cracks my deflectors. Sorry, I meant windshield.

6. If you’re driving in the snow in North Providence, there is one must-have accessory: a cell phone. That way, you can give your close personal friends a play-by-play of your antics. “Bobby, dude, check this out. I just came down Smithfield Road doing 60 miles per hour… Yeah, I know it’s snowing. So I skidded into Steven Olney Park, and guess what? I’m in the skateboard park… No, I don’t need a ride. I can use the ramps to rock myself right out.”

7. I feel bad for all those diligent folks who put sticks tipped with fluorescent orange paint on the edges of their lawns back around Thanksgiving. They hope those will help the plow drivers to avoid digging up the lawn. Here we are, looking at our third storm of the season, and those warning sticks are history. Plowed to smithereens, no doubt, serving more as targets than boundaries. Here’s a thought. If you need your backyard rototilled for the next growing season, you might consider putting orange-tipped markers out there now. Odds are pretty good that by the end of winter, your garden will get plowed up but good, courtesy of the guys at Public Works.

8. Here’s a tip. Having a four-wheel drive vehicle in the snow is not the equivalent of wearing Superman’s cape. If you think it is, consider this. The ice under the snow is your kryptonite. See Point 3.

9. Last but not least. When you’re clearing the snow from your windshield, do the whole windshield. So many people clear off just a five-by-ten inch rectangle. What I like to call the North Providence Periscope. If you don’t clear off the whole windshield, how can you fully enjoy the experience of skidding into the skateboard park? Dude?

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Got some fun stories to share about the snow in North Providence? Then grab some bread and milk and share them! The stories, that is. No one expects you to share the bread and milk. Send the stories to frankocomedy@cox.net, and tell me you want to join the North Providence Gang while you’re at it.