(UN)RELIABLE SOURCES: 046

PUT DOWN THE CRULLER AND STEP AWAY FROM THE DRIVE-THRU!

by FRANK O'DONNELL
December 3, 2007

When I first read the story a month or so ago, I chuckled.
 
A North Providence woman was arrested for allegedly attacking another woman in the drive-thru line at a local donuttery.

The attackee had beeped her horn. The alleged agitated attacker left her car, allegedly waving an alleged tire iron around, allegedly threatening bodily harm.

Reportedly, the whole thing was caught on the store’s surveillance cameras, and will soon be available on a DVD called “Breakfast Gone Wild.”

The incident’s been at the back of my mind ever since, coming to the front every time I enter a drive-thru line, especially at the site of the alleged attack.

Now that I’m paying attention, I can’t believe there aren’t more alleged incidents like the one allegedly recounted above.

We’ve got rules of the road, and we more or less heed them.

By my observation, those rules are completely disregarded when we enter a drive-thru lane.

What we need, people, are rules of the drive-thru. Okay, not rules so much as suggestions for both sides of the drive-thru equation.

1. THERE’S ONE SPEED – IT’S SLOW. There is no high-speed lane, no drive-thru express. It’s not like at the supermarket, where you get a special checkout when you have 12 items or less. You may be there just for a coffee, but if you’re behind a guy who’s buying for the entire office, you’re going to move slowly.

2. LIMIT YOUR CONSUMPTION. If you’re planning on picking up breakfast for you and a dozen of your co-workers, you don’t belong in the drive-thru. Many drive-thrus have signs begging folks with big orders to come into the store. But there’s no enforcement. What we need are drive-thru security agents. Someone like that dancing traffic cop, making sure only small orders make it through to the drive-thru microphone.

3. FIX THOSE HEADSETS. Half the time, I can’t tell what the clerk inside is saying because her headset doesn’t work. Maybe it’s because there’s a family of chipmunks nesting inside the speaker. If I only hear half of what the clerk is saying, it’s going to take me four times as long to order. Plus, a third of the order will be wrong when I get to the window.

4. SHUT OFF THAT RADIO. Sometimes the headset and speakers work just fine. But because we keep our radios on in the car, we can’t hear the clerk. Shut off the radio before you roll down the window, and the whole process will work much more smoothly.

5. STOP ASKING ME IF I WANT TWO POUNDS OF COFFEE FOR $10.99. If I want two pounds of coffee for $10.99, I’ll ask for it. But, if that’s the first thing you’re going to ask me each morning, here’s what’s going to happen. I won’t properly hear you, because I’m expecting, “Can I help you?” So I’ll ask you to repeat yourself, adding time to the transaction. Even if I do understand you, you’re still taking up too much time asking. Ten seconds per customer may not seem like much, but that wasted time adds up fast. Seventeen minutes for every 100 customers by my reckoning. Thanks, now I’m late for work.

6. PUT THE PHONE DOWN. You’re there for food and/or a beverage, not to tell someone about the nonsense Cheryl pulled last night. Please. No more cell calls in the drive-thru line.

7. THE TRASH BARRELS ARE THERE FOR LITTLE THINGS. Yesterday’s coffee cup, the wrappers from the burger two days ago. Those are the items that belong in the drive-thru trash bin. If your back seat is loaded with junk, the drive-thru trash bin is not the proper dumping ground. Toss it when you get home – there are people in line behind you.

8. HONKING DOESN’T SPEED THINGS UP. I’m not sure why people think this helps move things along, but it doesn’t. In the same vein, pushing the elevator button has no effect on its speed either.

9. DON’T BLOCK MY EXIT. If you’re half in the drive-thru and half in the street and driving an SUV or some other gas-guzzling behemoth, why not pull into the parking lot and go into the store. Otherwise, you’ve just set up a wall that completely blocks me from seeing what’s coming from your direction. Unless I’ve got my Superman X-ray vision glasses in the glove compartment, I’ve got to wait before you get out of the way before I can pull onto Mineral Spring Avenue and go on my merry way. Boy, does that get me steamed.

10. CRULLERS ARE BETTER THAN TIRE IRONS. If do snap and are forced to make a drive-thru statement, might I suggest a cruller as your weapon of choice? Sure, it’s still assault, but assault with a baked good is far less serious than assault with a deadly weapon. Plus, I don’t think there’s a cop on the planet who wants to get caught up in testifying at a food fight trial.

Next time you pull into the drive-thru, please think about what I’ve written, and North Providence will be a safer place for all of us. Just don’t let me catch you reading this in line if you’re in front of me at the drive-thru. Otherwise, I might have to smear donut jelly all over your back window.

***

I send out occasional e-mails to get input from readers on upcoming columns, and I'd love to add you to that list. Just send me an e-mail at frankocomedy@cox.net, and say, "Sign me up!"