(UN)RELIABLE SOURCES: 044
TO PROTECT, AND SERVE CHINESE FOOD

by FRANK O'DONNELL
November 4, 2007

Another eye-catching headline.

“Council OKs plan to buy Golden Dragon for town space.”

May I just say, genius?

What a bold stroke. Buy up the Golden Dragon restaurant – once boasting the second best Asian cuisine in Rhode Island – and use it as an annex for the overcrowded police and fire facilities next door.
  
Of course, this will change the way emergencies are handled around town.
  
Picture your next 911 call.
  
“Is your emergency police, fire or take-out?”
 
“Police, please.”

“What’s the nature of your emergency?”

“I think someone broke into my house.”

“Was anything taken?”

“I don’t know. I’m outside now. The front door is hanging off the hinges. I’m afraid someone could still be in there.”

“Okay, sir, don’t go inside the house. When’s the last time you ate?”

“I’m sorry?”

“The last time you ate, sir. I need to know that for the files.”

“Uh, well, come to think of it, it was about five hours ago. I had a turkey sandwich for lunch. Why?”

“We’re running a special today. With a reported break-in, you can get one order of shrimp lo mein and a pu pu platter delivered by the investigating officer.”

“Uh, listen, I really can’t be thinking about food right now. My house has been broken into.”

“I understand, sir. I’ve just dispatched a delivery car to your home.”

“Delivery car?”

“Sorry, sir, got confused. It’s a police car.”
  
“You had me worried there for a minute…”

“Of course, the police officer does have a microwave set up in his trunk, and variety of menu items for you to sample, should you realize just how hungry you are.”

“Um, look, maybe later. Right now, I really need a policeman.”

“Of course, sir. While we’re waiting, would you like to give me your credit card number? It will make billing your food selections easier later on, when you could be distracted.”

“I don’t want food. And I don’t want to give you my credit card information.”

“Suit yourself, sir.”

“Wait, I see a light inside. It’s flickering. Oh boy. I think my kitchen’s on fire.”

“That wouldn’t happen if you’d leave the cooking to us.”

“Will you knock it off about the food? There’s smoke billowing out my front door. I need a fireman.”

“One Szechuan combo coming right up.”
  
“Szechuan combo?”

“Our hot and spicy combination, sir. A fireman to handle whatever your hot needs are, and an order of General Tso’s chicken for your spicy needs.”

“Wait, I think I hear the police car coming now. What’s that awful wailing noise?”

“Oh, that’s Fred. He runs the karaoke contests in the lounge, but when it’s slow, we let him ride along as the siren.”

“He sounds terrible.”

“But people get out of his way.”

“Okay, look, the policeman and fireman are here. I’m all set.”

“Terrific. Be sure to ask one of them for your two-for-one coupon. Our all-you-can-eat buffet simply can’t be beat.”

“Look, I’ve got to go…”

“Sure, I understand. Shall I reserve a table for you in let’s say an hour?”

“Listen, I’ve got to take care of my house…”

“Naturally. You have a good night. And thank you for calling the North Providence Golden Police and Fire Palace.”

***

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