(UN)RELIABLE SOURCES: 042
ENOUGH PRODUCE, ALREADY!

by FRANK O'DONNELL
October 8, 2007

I was leaving for work the other morning, and almost tripped over a basket on my front steps.
           
I was pretty certain it hadn’t been there the night before. If it had been, I would have tripped over it then.

I removed the linen napkin that covered the basket and found myself face to face with a variety of vegetables.

Eggplant, zucchini, squash, peppers.

And of course, North Providence’s unofficially official produce, tomatoes.

Thank you, sir, but I’ve got quite enough.

More than enough.

I’ve got tomatoes on my counters, on my windowsills, on top of the refrigerator, in the medicine cabinet in my bathroom.

It’s harvest time, and locally, that means the gardens folks have tended so lovingly since mid-May are now bearing fruit.

Lots and lots of fruit. More fruit than they can handle.

So they’re doling it out to their friends.

And when the friends can’t handle any more, the gardeners get creative, coming up with novel ways to pass around the produce.

Like dropping off basketsful of the stuff on unsuspecting doorsteps.

Or stuffing mailboxes with squash. My mailbox isn’t on the side of the road, but folks down the street from me are talking about finding zucchini with their National Grid bills and Cosmopolitan magazines.

My daughter went to a birthday party the other day. The party favor was a nicely decorated brown paper bag overflowing with vegetables.

As we prepare for Thanksgiving, you’ll see cornucopias used for decoration. Horns of plenty.

It’s a sign of a good harvest, one of the reasons for giving thanks.

I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but how about a cornusatisiam?

My Latin’s a little rusty, but I’m pretty sure that means horn of enough already.

There’s got to be a better way.

I read recently that the folks at Heinz have to increase the price of ketchup because of the skyrocketing cost of corn. Why not form a Tomato Consortium locally, and appoint a Tomato Czar to drive around town in a pickup truck, pick up all the town’s extra tomatoes and crate them up for shipping to Heinzville, or wherever ketchup is made.

No more tomato surprises on our doorsteps or in our mailboxes. Plus, we’d probably be able to negotiate a price break on our ketchup too.

Who says pumpkins are the only members of the squash family to get decorated for Halloween? Let’s start a trend around here, and start decorating zucchinis.

This is perfect for people with bad backs. Why lug around a 50-pound pumpkin, when a Zuke O’Lantern is all you really need?

Or how about using the excess produce as currency?

Barter with the local food establishments.

Even with the overflowing gardens, the markets still sell tomatoes and zucchini and everything else. Wouldn’t it be neat if you could walk out of Shaw’s with a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread in exchange for three vine-ripened tomatoes, a half-dozen green peppers and a summer squash?

It’s an idea that could catch on.

If not, anyone need some tomatoes?

I’ve got a 55-gallon drum filled with them in my backyard.

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Why not join the North Providence Gang? For one tomato, two peppers and a zucchini, you can sign up to get occasional emails asking your opinion about the state of affairs in our town. Okay, no produce necessary (please!). Just send an email to frankocomedy@cox.net and ask to be signed up.