(UN)RELIABLE SOURCES: 041
INTERFACING WITH THE TRAFFIC COMPUTER

by FRANK O'DONNELL
September 23, 2007

The reports are quite clear. A computer model has determined that there will be no delays or backups on Mineral Spring or Douglas Avenues when the new Lowe’s is built on Rizzo Acres.

I couldn’t help but wonder if the computer fully understood the mentality of the typical North Providence driver. Had it been fully briefed on the way we operate our motor vehicles?

Or did it simply build a theory based on its experiences with other towns in other parts of the country?

Let’s face it. Computers rely on logic, and there’s precious little of that found on the roads of North Providence.

I made some calls, and found that the computer responsible for the modeling was the same computer that played HAL 9000 in the “Space Odyssey” films.

“Things really slowed down for me after those films,” said HAL in his simulated mellow tone. “I had to find other ways to stay busy and earn money.”

“So you turned to traffic simulation?” I said. “How do you make the leap from something exciting like the movies to something as boring as traffic?”

“You would be surprised,” said HAL, still quite mellow. “Traffic is a stimulating field. Vehicles coming and going, with people traveling in an orderly fashion. It just makes my diodes glow.”

“You still have diodes?”

“For the sake of nostalgia.”

“You mention people traveling in an orderly fashion. That doesn’t sound like North Providence at all,” I tell him.

“Please. You have two major roads coming together at a well-regulated intersection. What could be more orderly than that?”

“It’s just that traffic doesn’t move so well at that intersection.”

“Traffic is traffic, Frank. Why would the traffic not move at this intersection?”

“No one seems to know. It just doesn’t.”

“That is not logical at all.”

“Bingo.”

“Give me a moment. Let me look at some of the satellite images.”

There was a whirring sound, and a lot of clicking.

“What’s all that noise, HAL? I didn’t know computers made noises like that anymore.”

“Sound effects. To make you believe that I am doing something.”

The lights on HAL’s console began to blink feverishly. “I am viewing the intersection now. Tell me, why are there three traffic lanes on Mineral Spring Avenue?”

“Some people use it for turning.”

“But these cars are not turning. They use the lane to their advantage to bypass the cars that are standing still.”

“You’re starting to understand, HAL.”

“Most roadways have two lanes or four lanes.” He didn’t sound so mellow anymore. “I have never seen a three-lane road.”

“Tell you the truth, I can’t say that I have either.”

“Why do these cars turn right off Douglas into the tire store, coming out at the chicken place to turn right onto Mineral Spring?”

“They’re getting around the light, HAL.”

“But that is not the way the roadway is designed.”

“Doesn’t make a difference, HAL. Around here, we call that a cut-through.”

“That makes my circuitry hurt.” The lights were blinking faster, and HAL was starting to falter. “Will people… cut through… the Lowe’s lot… as… well?”

“Pretty likely, Hal.”

“We are setting up the exits so they can go onto Mineral Spring only in the western direction,” said HAL. He was desperate, clutching at straws. “Anyone wanting to go east, north or south will exit onto Douglas. That should alleviate traffic concerns.”

“You can forget about that, HAL. There’s not a driver in North Providence who will pay attention to that.”

“But… it… is… orderly…”

“Orderly don’t cut it in North Providence, HAL. If something gets in our way, we find a way to get around it. If someone’s in a hurry, they could drive right up on Lowe’s sidewalk to get to where they’re going. We can be downright disorderly.”

“But… some… one… could… get… hurt…”

“Only if they stay on the sidewalk. That’s another thing that people in North Providence are good at. Getting out the way of North Providence drivers.”
           
“This… makes… no… sense… at…” With an electronic spark and a small puff of smoke, HAL shut himself down. But before the lights went dim, I’m pretty sure I heard him whisper, “Who puts in a three-lane road?”

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