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WRAPPING UP LOOSE ENDS

by FRANK O'DONNELL
AUGUST 1, 2007

I can't always get to everything I'd like to get to in this space. Some things happening in town are worthy of commentary, but won't necessarily flesh out into a complete column. Sometimes, earlier columns generate short-form follow-ups.

Often, these are items generated by conversations with readers, some in person, some via e-mail. Here, then, are some of those items sparked by reader interest.

TAXES ARE REVOLTING. If you're like me, your property tax bill arrived the day before the 4th of July. There's something ironic in that, especially when celebrating the birth of a nation that was conceived with a protest against taxation. To capture the irony to its fullest, I made a copy of my bill, tied it up with a handful of Lipton tea bags, and dumped it off the side of one of the paddleboats at Notte Park. I felt better after that.

DID WE MOVE, OR WHAT? One correspondent said the opening of her tax bill made her feel like she'd moved to Barrington or Newport. If nothing else, the wine selection at her house will get an upgrade.

A TAX PROTEST. One reader bristled at receiving his tax bill around Independence Day. He suggests that when we make our payments, we make sure the checks have mustard and ketchup stains on them.

SMARTER RATS. I'm told the Rats of Fruit Hill have figured out they're on the local endangered species list. Lately, they've been breaking into art supply stores and beauty parlors, stealing glue sticks and cut hair. By pasting the hair to their tails, they're hoping to pass for squirrels.

ONE HUMP OR TWO? OK, so has anyone seen any speed humps? All the rage last travel season, they've all but disappeared this year. I've only seen one on a regular street - Birchwood Drive, just before its intersection with Lexington. It's oddly placed, about two-thirds up a hill. Heading up the hill, you're already going slowly enough so the hump has no effect. If you're speeding over and down the hill, chances are good you're going to fly over the hump anyway. Have we given up on speed humping? Or have we rented the humps out to other municipalities? Inquiring minds want to know.

"NP" MEANS "NICE PEOPLE." People are definitely nicer driving along Mineral Spring Avenue lately. Granted, there are fewer people around town right now, as we're in the heart of the summer, but let's take this as a small victory. Even the sanitation engineers are getting nicer. Sure, they still leave my empty barrels right at my rear bumper. But, they're standing them up instead of letting them roll around at the bottom of my driveway. Another small victory to savor. I just hope it doesn't mean the regular guys are on vacation, and things will return to the old way when summer's over.

TOWN HALL TOURS. Now that Town Hall's all gussied up, we should organize some guided tours. They do it all the time at the White House and the Statehouse - why not here? Plan it now, and we'll be ready to catch the leaf-peeper tours on the way out to Foster/Glocester. For the complete North Providence experience, we can throw in a boxed lunch of calzones, party pizza and a Yacht Club. Good public relations, and a way to defray the town's rising cost of doing business.

NO MO' MO'. The moratorium on condominium construction has ended, and not a moment too soon! It's high time we got back to the business of converting every inch of vacant land in town into multiple housing units, don't you think?

TOMATO WARNING. The local tomato crop is heavy on the vine. Soon, we'll be deluged with the delectable fruits frequently mistaken for vegetables. I'm clearing off all my windowsills to make room for the not-quite-ripe ones - how about you?

THIS JUST IN. A high-ranking town official has reportedly called Oscar the Death Cat, asking him to come to town to put a final hurtin' on the Rats of Fruit Hill. Despite Oscar's hectic personal appearance schedule, he should be able to squeeze us in between Montel Williams and "America's Got Talent," where he'll be curling up on David Hasselhof's bed.

- Frank O' Donnell, a comic from North Providence, is the entertainment writer for the Breeze newspapers.