(UN)RELIABLE SOURCES: 034
HANG 'EM HIGH!

by FRANK O'DONNELL
JUNE 19, 2007

To hang or not to hang. That is the question.

The question around Town Hall, anyway.

Our hot new controversy is found at the intersection of Art and Politics.

Here it is, in a nutshell, as reported recently on these very pages.

The current mayor's crew removed a portrait of the man the current mayor replaced, saying the previous mayor hadn't been elected. The Wall of Mayors, apparently, is reserved for elected mayors.

Then why, some might wonder, isn't it called The Wall of Elected Mayors?

The point being made by the current crew is that there have plenty of temporary mayors in the town's history. The list includes town councilors, council presidents and police chiefs.

The current mayoral chief of staff, himself Mayor Number Two – unless you count Mayor Number Three's brief stint at the town's helm when Mayor Number One passed away – stated that if they were going to hang the portraits of everyone who's sat in as mayor of North Providence, they'd need either a bigger hallway or smaller pictures.

We should hang them all.

Their portraits, that is.

If you've served as mayor in any capacity, then you should be on The Wall of Mayors.

Any type of mayor – elected mayors, acting mayors, mayors hired from a temporary agency. And let's not forget the kids who've been Mayor for a Day.

Before this really spirals out of control, however, we do have to set limits. No one gets a mayoral portrait painted and hung unless he or she has been mayor for at least a day. That way, we avoid the influx of people who'll say they covered for the mayor while he took an extended lunch or stepped outside for a smoke.

But if you've been mayor for at least a day, then the least your grateful town can do is immortalize you on canvas and hang your likeness proudly, for all to see.

And why limit the thank you to a boring portrait? Wearing a suit and tie, sitting on the corner of a desk, with the town, state and American flags on poles behind you. Does that capture the essence of a mayor?

 I say, let's get inventive. Commission some artists to come up with different representations of our mayors.

One artist may see a mayor in a Picasso sort of way. Another, van Goghish. We might want to keep Rubenesque portrayals out of the mix.

Instead, how about a mayor du jour painted on black velvet, wearing an Elvis jumpsuit, playing poker with a bunch of dogs?

And who says these memorials have to be portraits?

Why not sculptures? Anything from something suitable for a coffee table to one of our mayors riding a horse into battle.

Creating art for The Wall of Mayors could be our town's new cottage industry.

Now that we're doing all of this, the chief of staff is right. The current plasterboard housing The Wall of Mayors is simply too small. We need something bigger, better, more accessible and readily available.

Did I hear someone say Rizzo Acres?

Brilliant!

Let's call the folks at Disney. I'll bet they'd be interested in coming up here and creating North Providence's hottest new tourist attraction.

The Hall of Mayors.

Modeled after the Hall of Presidents in Disneyworld, of course.

Inside the old Rizzo Ford facility.

In the lobby, all the mayoral art that's been collected as part of this project.

In the showroom, every one of North Providence's mayors, elected and un, in Animatronic® form, talking about the history of our town, and their part in it, no matter how small.

Problem solved.

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Care to join the North Providence Gang? You don't have to be a former mayor or even live in North Providence. Occasionally, I send out e-mails to get the Gang's opinion on a variety of topics related to our town. If you'd like to get in on the fun, send me an e-mail at frankocomedy@cox.net and I'll sign you up!