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IT'S TOMATO TIME!

by FRANK O'DONNELL
MAY 19, 2007

Will you be part of this weekend's parade?

I'm talking, of course, about the parade of folks heading to the closest garden shop to pick up their tomato plants.

If you've got a plot of earth in North Providence, you're required by law to grow tomatoes. Truth is, you don't qualify for a homestead property tax reduction until you've produced your first legitimate tomato crop.

So many people grow tomatoes around here, you'd think the town was receiving cultivation grants from the Heinz Corporation.

Take stock of your personal tomato situation. Look at your neighbors – the ones to the left, the ones to the right. Odds are excellent that two of the three households grow tomatoes in some form. Anything less is unacceptable, and the offending parties should move straightaway to Lincoln or Pawtucket to make room for people who will follow the Tomato Code.

The official start of the North Providence Tomato Growing Season is Memorial Day. By now, you should have your area staked out. Six feet by six feet will do nicely – bigger is even better. If you're the container gardening type, that's fine, but no less than six containers, none smaller than those big white ice cream containers.

You know people who've jumped the gun by starting their own plants from seeds. They've been cultivating them indoors – on sunny windowsills or on the tops of radiators – for the past eight to ten weeks.

But even they wouldn't dare put those seedlings in the ground until the official kick-off. It's just not proper tomato etiquette.

I'm not a purist, so the selection of plants at Home Depot is good enough for me.

Saturday morning, I'll get up early and have breakfast. I'll put ketchup on my eggs, just to get in the tomato frame of mind. Then I'll drive west to fight through the throngs before the crop is ravaged. With a dozen or so good plants safely belted into my backseat – you can never be too careful – I'll make the return trip and get those puppies planted before lunchtime.

I'm not a full-time tomato farmer, so I frequently consult my list of Things To Do For Tomatoes:

1. You should never crowd a tomato plant. It can lead to psychological impairment, and no one likes a nutty tomato.
   
   
2. Be sure to give your tomatoes plenty of light. A minimum of eight hours a day of full sun is recommended. If Mother Nature fails to cooperate, many of the tanning salons on Mineral Spring Avenue have Tomato Buddy Systems in place, where you can bring your plants in for a Sunshine Session at a greatly reduced rate.
   
   
3. Breezes tend to make tomato stalks stronger, so you should fan your plants. Feeding them grapes while doing so is optional.
   
   
4. It's recommended that the soil be pre-heated. Black plastic covering is one way to accomplish that. Around North Providence, hair dryers are often used.
   
   
5. Your plants should be buried. It's important to note that they should remain vertical. My first year in town, I buried my tomatoes, but horizontally – didn't get a single fruit.
   
   
6. Don't mulch right away. Wait until later. By mid-June, the mulch is usually on sale. Buy it now, and you'll pay through the nose.
   
   
7. Horticulturists suggest that you remove the bottom leaves as the plants grow. Personally, I don't think that makes any difference, except to give you something to do while you're waiting for your tomatoes. A lot like in the old days, when they had men boil water while their wives were having children. Something for them to do to keep them out of the way.
   
   
8. Prune the plants as they grow. I never understood why you'd put a dried plum in a tomato patch – except maybe as an example of what could happen to a tomato that doesn't do what it's supposed to do.
   
   
9. Water your plants regularly. Tomato plants do not like being watered erratically. Should there be a water shortage this summer, be prepared. Arrange with the folks on the next street to run a hose from their house to water your plants when you're not supposed to. Of course, you'll have to reciprocate. If you run the hoses under the yellow and black speed humps on your street, no one will notice.
   
   If you follow these rules religiously, by the beginning of August, you'll be able to participate in the town's second Tomato Parade of the season. The one where you put bushels of tomatoes on your neighbors' porches, ring their doorbells and run away.

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Care to join the North Providence Gang? Occasionally, I send out e-mails to get the Gang's opinion on a variety of topics related to our town. If you'd like to get in on the fun, send me an e-mail at frankocomedy@cox.net and I'll sign you up!