(UN)RELIABLE SOURCES: 030
THE MOUSE THAT ALMOST ROARED

by FRANK O'DONNELL
APRIL 22, 2007

Now that the not-so-special election is over, I had the chance to sit down with one of the failed write-in candidates.

"Yeah, I know, three votes. Not much of a showing, was it?" The candidate, Mickey Mouse, just shook his head as we noshed on cheese and crackers – he had the cheese, and left the crackers for me – at a local eatery.

"I could be Magnanimous Mouse, and take the blame, but I'm not going to do that."
That would seem the expedient to do, I say. Take the blame, then move on to the next step in your political life.

"Sure, that's what people tell me. But from the beginning, I pledged to tell the truth. As often as I could, anyway. And the truth is, it's all my campaign manager's fault."

And that was?

"Donald Duck, of course."

So what happened?

"Well, how do I put it? He's a duck. Not the brightest species on the planet."

I thought he was your buddy.

"I feel bad for him. I mean, look at the guy. He walks around without pants. And you can't understand a word he says."

Sounds like he could be a Kennedy.

"Hey, that's a good one. Mind if I borrow that some time?"

Feel free. Meanwhile, tell me what the Duck did wrong.

Mickey sipped some cabernet. He was pensive, even reflective. "Maybe it is my fault. I told him I wanted to send up a trial balloon, to get a feel for people's interest in my candidacy."

And?

"And, he put my slogan on some balloons, filled them up with helium, and let them go."

You're kidding.

"Nope. Last I heard, most of them popped over the Atlantic. One landed in a whale's blowhole – almost suffocated. PETA's all over me for that one. Luckily, I'm also an animal, so they cut me a little slack."

Lucky break. So you ran a campaign, and no one knew.

"I didn't find out about the balloon problem until the day of the election."

Last minute, huh?

"I tried to go to the polls to visit with some voters on their way in, but I kept getting run off."

Poll workers?

"Dogs. I don't blame the dogs, particularly. Let's face it, I'm a mouse, and dogs love chasing mice. That doesn't matter right now, though. I'm focusing on how things will change around here when I'm mayor."

But you lost the election.

"Don't worry, I'll be back in 2008. I've got big plans for this town."

Like?

"First off, I'll get the Disney Imagineers to install a people mover on Mineral Spring Avenue."

You mean like the ones at Disney World?

"Exactly. The Rizzo Ford lot will be the town's transportation hub. From there, you can get anywhere in town, and never have to worry about traffic again."
I like it. What else?

"Second, we make the eastern end of Mineral Spring Avenue – from 146 to Charles Street – an adventure ride. I'll call it, Mission to Marieville."

Could catch on. But do you really think you could win?

"Hey, considering that I only told three people I was running and I got three votes, I'd say I have an excellent shot."

Pretty good percentage.

"I coulda won, too, if it weren't for those darn dogs. But once I'm elected mayor, there will be a very strict leash law. You can count on that."

How strict?

"Let's put it this way. Goofy will have to wear a leash."

So Goofy is a dog.

"I can neither confirm nor deny that Goofy is or is not a dog. Only that he will wear a leash."

Mayor Mickey Mouse. Has a nice ring to it.

"Uh, excuse me. That's Mickey aMouse. Gotta be number one on the ballot, you know what I mean?"

** ** ** ** **

Care to join the North Providence Gang? Occasionally, I send out e-mails to get the Gang's opinion on a variety of topics related to our town. If you'd like to get in on the fun, send me an e-mail at frankocomedy@cox.net and I'll sign you up!