(UN)RELIABLE SOURCES: 028
I'M NOT FEELING VERY SPECIAL

by FRANK O'DONNELL
MARCH 25, 2007

I'm really disappointed with Billy Goodman.

What happened to the guy who promised to introduce a "euphoric way of living" to North Providence?

He conceded the special election for mayor almost before John Sisto did.

John didn't have a choice – he lost the primary. Part of the democratic process.

Billy was supposed to be the next to joust with Charlie Lombardi. But the man who in February was "eager for the main event" bowed out before even sharing his vision that would "change the complexion of our town."

Billy did offer to work for Charlie – see also, politics makes strange bedfellows. He told one of my colleagues that his own views are so similar to those of his would-be opponent, it would be a shame to waste our time with another campaign season.

Billy can only withdraw from the race. He does not have the power to automatically hand over the keys to the mayor's office. Only the electorate – you know, the folks whose time Billy doesn't want to waste – has that power.

According to our Board of Canvassers, the April 17 election has to happen no matter what. The lone candidate "must get at least one vote" is the official word. I'm sure Charlie can muster at least two – his own, and Billy Goodman's.

So now we're faced with an anti-climactic not-so-special election.

Unless…

It occurs to me that someone mounting a serious write-in campaign could unseat the not-yet-seated mayor.

In fact, if you've ever toyed with the idea of governing our fair burg, this could be your chance.

Here's how it could work. Let your friends know. Have them tell their friends, and their friends can tell their friends, and quicker than you can say Faberge Organics, you could be outfitting a new office in Centredale.

Maybe you've been racking your brain, trying to come up with a special present for a special occasion for that special someone. Quietly put together a write-in campaign in his or her honor. Nothing says you care like trying to make your loved one mayor.

Has someone done you a kindness lately, and you can't find a suitable way to say thank you? Have you considered writing her in as a candidate for mayor, which could somewhere down the line end up with the town's swimming pool being named after her.

But please, don't be irresponsible. There are certain rules, if not of etiquette then at least sensibility, that one must follow when putting together a write-in campaign.

(1) Pick someone who lives in town. Sure, it would be neat to have someone like Mark Wahlberg or Jessica Alba take charge of North Providence. But I'm pretty sure a candidate has to actually live here in order to be considered for mayor.

Plus, if a celebrity were to win, where would be put all the paparazzi? (Rizzo Ford Acres leaps to mind, but I digress.)

(2) Pick someone who's breathing. Even if you're one of our dead voters, your write-in candidate should be decidedly more vital than you.

(3) Pick someone who isn't a politician. Not to cast stones, but folks who run for office frequently get mired in old school thinking. What better source of new ideas than the guy who pumps your gas or the gal who cuts your hair. Of course, no one who cuts hair in North Providence would ever accept the office of mayor – it would be a cut in pay.

I don't think Charlie is too worried about being beaten by a write-in candidate, but it looks like he's not taking any chances. I'm sure you've seen the day-glow yellow-green add-ons to his lawn signs, urging his supporters to vote for him again on April 17.

It may not get the vote out, but they do effectively reflect light on otherwise dark side streets. If nothing else, they're handy for those of us who are out late.

And by the way, I have it on good authority (okay, I'm making it up) that should Charlie Lombardi emerge victorious late in the evening of April 17, Billy Goodman will be offered a new position in Charlie's cabinet: Minister of Euphoria.

I feel light-headedly gleeful already.

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Care to join the North Providence Gang? Occasionally, I'll send out e-mails to take your pulse on a variety of topics related to our town. Write yourself onto the list with an e-mail to me at frankocomedy@cox.net.