(UN)RELIABLE SOURCES: 025
POLICE CARS WITH MUSCLE!

by FRANK O'DONNELL
FEBRUARY 25, 2007

I've got to fess up.

When I first pulled alongside one of North Providence's new Dodge Charger police cruisers, my initial reaction was, "Wow!"

I couldn't resist. I rolled down my window and asked the officer at the wheel, "That thing got a Hemi?"

It does in fact have a Hemi, giving our police fleet incredible power. Feel the engine growl, and you'll have no doubt that these 355 horses can catapult a cop from Marieville to Centredale in 8 seconds flat. Unless it's Saturday, when that trip still takes over an hour on Mineral Spring Avenue, Hemi under the hood or not. 

Make no mistake. These are muscle cars. Compact, powerful, and pretty darn sharp. They look like something straight out of "Robocop," or something that a guy would buy when he's going through some mid-life crisis.

They're doing wonders for the PD's recruitment efforts. Kids all over town want to grow up to be police officers, just so they can drive the Police Chargers.

I know people who've been pulled over on MSA by one of the plain old Crown Victorias who've refused to roll down their windows until they see a brand-new Dodge Charger in their rearview mirrors.

I recently visited the town's police motor pool. Sergeant Earnhardt was busily buffing the interior of one of the new Chargers. "Call me Junior," he said.

"Nice car," I said admiringly, really emphasizing the "nice."

"Nice?" Junior sneered at me. "Puppies are nice. My grandmother is nice. This car is awesome. It's formidable. Top-shelf. Best of show…"

"Okay, I get it. ‘Nice" damns the car with faint praise."

I guess Shakespearean references aren't part of the sergeant's exam. "Uh, yeah, I, uh, guess that's right." He stuck his head out the window and pulled himself through it.

"Is the door broken already?" I wondered.

"Nah, it works fine. Just a habit. This baby feels so much like a racecar, I forget sometimes that the doors aren't welded shut."

He's wearing a blue coverall with a badge on the front. The back of the coverall is covered with logos: the Dodge ram's head, STP, AOL, Lowe's and Nicoderm CQ are just a few.

"Reminds me of the Daytona 500," I said, pointing at his back.

"Yeah, I got sponsors lining up to get on board," he says.

"Sponsors? Police departments shouldn't be sponsored."

"Yeah, that's what the top brass told me when I brought up the idea. They said it just wasn't right."

I nodded my head. "I can understand that."

"But hear me out. We get enough sponsors, we can pay for these new cars, and even more. What's wrong with driving around town with a Pennzoil logo on the fender? Does that mean the police are any less effective? The answer is, no, it does not!"

Junior's pretty fired up about this. He's looking way into the future, when the town's budget could be balanced by sponsorships. The North Providence DPW, sponsored by Home Depot. The North Providence Fire Department, sponsored by Servpro, the disaster restoration specialists. The North Providence Town Council, sponsored by Prilosec OTC.

But for now, he's focused on his formidable new machines, the Hemi Cruisers. He rubs a chamois across the spot on the door where he climbed out.

"So, any chance I could do a ride-along some weekend?" I wonder.

"Ooh, that's gonna be tough."

"Afraid I might mess up the car?"

"No, it's not that. It's just, well, over the next couple of weekends, I've got these babies signed up for some NASCAR time trials."

"Time trials?"

"Yeah, if they can win a race or two, think what that will do for my sponsorships."

           
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"Unreliable Sources" is a humor column. The only true statements in it are that (1) North Providence has new police cars, (2) I like the new police cars, and (3) the North Providence Town Council should pass out free samples of agita medication.
Now, if you're like me, and you find things funny in North Providence, you should join the North Providence Gang. Occasionally, I send out carefully worded e-mails to get the Gang's opinion on a variety of topics related to our town. Get in on the fun! Send me an e-mail at frankocomedy@cox.net and I'll sign you up!