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GOT YOUR NICKNAME YET?

by FRANK O'DONNELL
FEBRUARY 11, 2007

Have you got your nickname yet?

If you've been paying attention to the electronic media lately, you'll know that everyone in North Providence is supposed to have a nickname.

Something "Godfather"-like is the norm – at least according to the news outlets.
Perhaps you saw the report where ABC-6's Jim "The Figurine" Hummel showed up at a John Sisto Pie & Ice Cream Social Event. The Figurine – a.k.a. Richie Cunningham – identified five town employees there to help out with this campaign tradition.

Four of the five were identified by both their given and nicknames, a reporting method commonly employed when discussing the RICO indictments just handed down by a grand jury.

One of those identified was Anthony "Gonzo" Ceprano. The Figurine pronounced the last name so it sounded more like the boss on an HBO "family" drama than a guy who helps run a fire department. Adding the Gonzo made the name sound even more notorious.

I don't know Mr. Ceprano, so I asked around. The folks who call him Gonzo have done so forever. Most don't even remember how he got the name. Maybe it's a tribute to the journalistic style of Hunter S. Thompson, or perhaps it's an homage to the devil-may-care nature of a hook-nosed blue Muppet. No one seems to know for sure.

The ensuing diatribe on WPRO's talk show, hosted by Dan "Peppermint Patty" Yorke, suggested quite strongly that North Providence is organized criminally.

Peppermint Patty nicknamed just about everyone involved in the special mayoral election, like they were going to be extras in the big Corleone wedding scene. John "Pie & Ice Cream" Sisto. Leo "Tapes" Perrotta. Bobby "Brown Bag" Ricci. So many names to nick – so little time.

I did a quick survey, and the folks I talked to were split pretty evenly in their reaction to the mobbing of North Providence. About half said they took the whole thing as a personal affront, both to the town and to their ethnic ancestry. The other half, like a correspondent nicknamed Ding Dong, find the whole thing an amusing way to pass the day.

No one should be surprised that the two Democratic candidates for mayor have opposing viewpoints on the way the town's being portrayed by the out-of-town media. "I've gotten a lot of phone calls," says Mr. Sisto. "People are saying it's a disgrace to the town of North Providence."

Mr. Lombardi says he didn't hear a single complaint all weekend long. In fact, until I brought it up, he hadn't thought about the nickname issue at all. He said it's not unusual for folks in North Providence to have and be known by nicknames. "If I thought someone was insulting my heritage, I'd be the first one to complain."

No matter where you are on the issue, I say it's high time we all jumped on the bandwagon and got our own nicknames. Ones that would earn the respect of the cast of "The Sopranos," and the admiration of its writers.

Granted, as Mr. Lombardi pointed out, some folks have a head start. When North Providence men pass away, it's not unusual to see their nicknames printed in their obituaries, says one correspondent, known simply as The Boss.

It's not just a man thing. Another correspondent who's frantically searching for a nickname writes about a girl at work who makes food for select individuals instead of doing her real job. They call her Sally Sandwich.

When I was in college, I was known as Frank "The Tank." It had more to do with my capacity to drink certain malt beverages than my ability to walk through brick walls. To be quite honest, after college, no one ever called me Tank.

In my quest for a new nickname, I found some Web sites that can help. One blends your real name with a quick question-and-answer session to generate a mob-style nickname for you.

It actually cranked out a dozen for me.

"Friendly" Frank O'Donnell. I can't use that one, because it's also the hot dog on the menu at that ice cream shop on Mineral Spring Avenue.

Frank "The Animal" O'Donnell. Sounds too much like a green-tongued professional wrestler.

Beergut O'Donnell. Somehow, this random nickname generator seized on my college nickname and my beverage of choice.

Finally, it settled on Frank "The Weeble" O'Donnell.

See, I walk with a limp, and people who walk with a limp wobble, and Weebles wobble (but they don't fall down)…

Wait a minute.

I don't think I like that. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm offended.

I wonder if I can sue this site?

Let me consult with my consigliere. I'll get back to you.

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Care to join the North Providence Gang? Occasionally, I send out e-mails to get the Gang's opinion on a variety of town-related topics. It's completely anonymous – honest, I don't drop no dimes on no one! If you'd like to get in on the fun, send me an e-mail at frankocomedy@cox.net and I'll sign you up!