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THAT'S THE WAY IT WAS, 2006!
by FRANK O'DONNELL
DECEMBER 21, 2006
It hasn't been quite a year that I've been writing this column, but it has been quite a year! As the lights dim on 2006, let's take a quick look back at the biggest stories in town –from my point of view, of course.
LIGHT ‘EM UP. Just a day after submitting last week's column on the overabundance of holiday lights around town, I stumbled on North Providence's most lit up street. If you get a chance, check out lower Alexander Street, where it dead-ends. It runs parallel to Mineral Spring, off Lexington as you drive toward Douglas Avenue. It's probably too late now, but mark it on your calendar for next year. You can save yourself a trip to LaSallette by walking down Alexander Street – on your knees, of course.
PROWLING POLITICIANS, PART TWO. Speaking of walking down the street, we've got a special election coming up. Haven't heard any of the details yet – have you? What is clear is that Ralph is leaving, and someone's got to take his place. Sure, I'd love to, but I'm busy that day. So far, I've heard Sisto, Testa, Lombardi. Frequently mentioned, but reportedly out of the running, are Fleming and Caranci. At this juncture, I give two-to-one odds to the pizza delivery guy from Santoro's. With the election in the winter (I'm assuming), it will be very interesting to see if these folks pound the pavement to visit with the voters. Note to candidates: if you're coming to my house and it's snowed recently, bring your shovel.
THE RIGHT TO VOTE IS ALIVE AND WELL IN NORTH PROVIDENCE. SOME OF THE VOTERS AREN'T. We found that we're quite strong in the deceased-registered-voters category, both in number and percentage. No one's said yet whether any of the dead actually voted – though if H.P. Lovecraft were writing about this, you'd know for sure they did!
MORATORIA MANIA. For the record, "moratorium" means a suspension of activity. The town enacted two big moratoria this year. The one on stop signs seems to have worked. The one on condominiums – not so much. Seems like every week, there's a new sign somewhere in town, bragging about a new luxury condo project coming soon. Twelve units on a half-acre sound about right to you?
GARBAGIA DIVISA IN TRES PARTES EST. (My apologies to Julius Caesar.) We've got three types of trash in our town – recyclable trash, bagged trash, and trash the collectors won't take on the first round. I'm not talking about the white goods and large items that require a scheduled pickup. I'm talking about the stuff that the collectors let fall out of the barrels and bins, then leave there like it's invisible. You know, out of barrel, out of mind. I've heard rumblings that our new mayor – whoever that might be – will hire backup sanitation engineers to follow along behind the first trucks to pick up what they can't see. Sort of ubergarbagemen.
PLETHORA OF PARKING PROBLEMS. Parking hasn't gotten any easier around town since I wrote about it, and I certainly haven't earned any front-row spots because of my column. When Pauley Penta found out his Italian deli had been rated Number Seven on our Top Ten List of worst parking lots, he accosted me. "What do you mean, I'm only Number Seven? What do I have to do to be Number One?" Gee, Pauley, I guess you could close off your parking lot completely, and let people park half on the sidewalk, half on Mineral Spring Avenue. How does that sound?
HAPPY HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAYS. I spoke with Joe Goho, the bravest principal in the land, just last week, to see if anything happy was going on in his hallways. "We had visitors from New Hampshire two weeks ago," said Joe. "They were amazed at the culture here. They commented that the kids weren't wearing caps, or listening to iPods. They were courteous and respectful." I thought this suggested a Saturday or Sunday visit, but apparently not. A couple of weeks ago, Joe arranged to play "It's The Holiday Season" outside the school while the students waited out a fire drill. "We create a fun atmosphere whenever we can!" I say, put your money where your mouth is, Joe. Next time there's a fire drill, play "Dominic The Donkey."
ENGLISH, ENGLISH, EVERYWHERE! BUT NOT A DROP TO SPEAK. A recent column wished for an English as a First Language course at the high school, to eliminate the usage of "dese" and "dems" around town. A member of the North Providence Gang, shared this story after reading that column. He and a companion were dining out locally when a group of eight was seated at the table next to them. The waitress arrived – decked out completely in rings, earrings and necklaces, big hair, all made up. She asked, "Can I get youse a drink?" Everyone at the table was hit with, "Youse wanna drink?" Until the last guy, an older gentleman. She stared at him for a moment, then said, "Hey, Mr. Smith, don't youse rememba me? You was my high school English teacha!" And Mr. Smith fainted.
He swears that's a true story. Even if it's not, it's darn funny!
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Make your New Year's resolution to join the North Providence Gang? I send out e-mails to get the Gang's opinion on a variety of topics related to our town. If you'd like to get in on this anonymous fun, send me an e-mail at frankocomedy@cox.net and I'll sign you up! We're shooting for 150 Gang members by the end of January, so sign up now!
Reprinted with permission from The North Providence Breeze
Cartoon by Charlie Hall
