(UN)RELIABLE SOURCES: 019
DECK THE HALLS AND EVERYTHING ELSE!

by FRANK O'DONNELL
DECEMBER 17, 2006

This truly is the most wonderful time of the year in North Providence - for National Grid, anyway. Is there another spot on Earth that gets more into lighting itself up for Christmas than our little burg?

I honestly don't think so.

I haven't done any studies, nor am I sure that any exist, but I'm willing to bet there are more holiday lawn displays per capita here than anywhere else in the galaxy.

When I first moved to North Providence, my street was lit up more than any other in town. We held the title for years, until the FAA got that restraining order.

So what if a Southwest flight coming in from Baltimore mistook my street for a runway at T.F. Green? It's not like they actually landed - although my neighbor at the top of the hill still has skid marks on his roof.

I've spent some time driving around town these December nights, both in a search for the best holiday lighting and as a test of several Neighborhood Watch programs. The way some of these houses are lit up, only a fool would think about breaking in.

Note to the NPPD: we might want to consider keeping the holiday spirit all year - if only as a burglary deterrent.

Most of the decorations are secular. I only noted a few manger scenes, and even those weren't entirely religious.

In one, Santa had replaced one of the three wise men, who were now bearing gifts of gold, frankincense and an iPod Shuffle.

In another, Mary and Joseph knelt before an empty cradle, surrounded by a colony of bow-tied penguins. Which could have happened, of course, if Christianity had started in Antarctica.

Many houses have the white icicle lights hanging from their gutters - although with temperatures lately in the 50s, the icicle effect is hard to maintain.

Some folks go the simple route - a Santa flag hanging from a pole at the front door with a net of white lights over a couple of evergreens.

Others light up everything on the front lawn that doesn't move - the trees, the lampposts, the mailbox, the dog.

There are a lot of deer popping up on North Providence lawns as holiday decorations. Some are white plywood silhouettes. Others are pieced-together bits of firewood that might have been someone's school art project.

The ones that amuse me are the three-dimensional shells fleshed out by white lights. I call them bling-deer. If the town weren't already so heavily invested in the cougar as the high school's mascot, the bling-deer would be a perfect candidate for the job.

I can't help but wonder if any lonely deer have been lured out of the woods by these visions of beauty, and if they've gotten frisky enough to result in an amorous electrocution.

There are an awful lot of inflatable decorations out there - polyvinyl figures that blow up thanks to a fan you plug in, or better yet, put on a timer. There are Christmas trees and giant slow globes. There are Winnie the Pooh characters in Santa hats - Disney's way of saying, "Yes, Virginia, we own Christmas too!" There are Santas and snowmen.

When there's a good stiff breeze blowing, it can look like the holiday characters are auditioning for a steel-cage wrestling match. The other night, as I was passing my neighbor's display, it looked like Frosty the Snowman was whacking Santa in the head with his broom.

And if that doesn't scream Christmas to you, then you must be from Antarctica.

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Care to join the North Providence Gang? Occasionally, I send out e-mails to get your opinion on topics related to our town. If you'd like to get in on the fun - or if there's something you'd like to see addressed in a future column - send me an e-mail at frankocomedy@cox.net. Meanwhile, have a happily merry whatever holiday you're celebrating at this time of year, if any (how's that for political correctness?).