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NORTH PROVIDENCE'S CHRISTMAS LIST

by FRANK O'DONNELL
DECEMBER 3, 2006

It's that time of year again - time to let everyone know what you want for Christmas. This year, I decided to pretend that I'm the town of North Providence, and made a list of things that I (as the town) want from Santa.

LEFT-TURN ARROW eastbound on Mineral Spring Avenue at the Getty station. It simply makes sense - there's a left-turn arrow going the other way, so why not this way. Tell the truth, this wish is self-serving - but I really don't like the idea that I'm risking my life just to get home from a trip to CVS.

MIDDLE LANE TELEMARKETING CAMPAIGN. We need a way to explain to North Providence motorists that Mineral Spring Avenue's middle lane is for IMMEDIATE turns - not for turns you expect to make in a mile or so or sometime in the next month. By making it a telemarketing campaign, we're furthering the employment of all those folks who called us during the election - and this time, given them a useful purpose.

SPEED HUMP OWNERSHIP.  As soon as I own them, I'll donate them to Burrillville or Exeter - anywhere where they won't be causing me to bottom out when I'm running late for something. I realize this sounds like a campaign promise, and I apologize if I'm stealing a plank from any candidate's platform in the upcoming special election.

ONE-WEEK SPECIAL ELECTION CYCLE TIME. Wouldn't that be great? Special election is declared next Tuesday, we vote on the following Tuesday. No official filing of candidacy, no time for lawn signs and bumper stickers, no need for debates. Let's face it. We all know already who we're going to vote for - let's just do it, and get it over with. (By the way, if elected, I will not serve - unless the salary is really good!)


INDESTRUCTABLE RECYCLING BINS. I suppose it makes some sort of ecological sense for recycling bins to be recyclable. It seems like mine, however, are biodegradable. Let's put it this way - they don't do so well when our recycling specialists leave them in the middle of Smithfield Road.

CELL PHONE JAMMING DEVICES for every church in town, but especially for Saint Anthony's, where I sometimes serve as a lector. See, I'm a stand up comedian. When a cell phone goes off during a show, I stop what I'm doing and deal with the person getting the call - usually with pretty funny results. When I hear a cell phone ring in church, those instincts kick in - and if not immediately suppressed, the results -while potentially funny - might not be appropriate to the setting. Plus, even if I manage to suppress the instinct to go after the person with the phone, if I hear T-Mobile's signature ring, I instantly think of Catherine Zeta Jones - which, when I'm on the altar reading from the New Testament, has got to be good for two, maybe three sins.

ENGLISH AS A FIRST LANGUAGE CLASSES AT NORTH PROVIDENCE HIGH SCHOOL. I've had quite enough of listening to all the "dese" and "dems" and "youses" around town. We need to nip this in the bud, and what better spot than in our hallowed hall of learning? These students are the leaders of tomorrow, and they should know who to say "these" and "them" and "you" - which by the way is both singular and plural. Also, "like" is not a multipurpose word to be used, like, when you, like, lose your, like, train of thought or, like, can't think of, like, what you, like, want to say. And yes, Virginia, there is a letter R in the alphabet - when you're operating an automobile, you are not the "drivuh" of the "cah!"

If we could only, like, get Santer to do dis for us, Nort Providence would be, like, a bettuh place to live, youse know what I mean?

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Care to join the North Providence Gang? Occasionally, I send out e-mails to get the Gang's opinion on a variety of topics related to our town. If you'd like to get in on the fun, send me an e-mail at frankocomedy@cox.net and I'll sign you up!