(UN)RELIABLE SOURCES: 017
BRING OUT YOUR DEAD (VOTERS)!

by FRANK O'DONNELL
NOVEMBER 19, 2006

According to an article in last week's paper, there are about 5,000 dearly departed voters registered in the Ocean State. 48% Democrat, 44% Independent. Only 8% are Republican - though I suspect they're not done counting all the Republican fatalities from the most recent election.

The information comes through the Secretary of State's office via the Social Security Administration. The SSA maintains a particularly ominous registry called the Death Master File. Sounds like Stephen King is moonlighting for the federal government.

Locally, we boast 423 ultimately inactive voters in North Providence.

And boast we should. We rank second on the list, both in total and per capita.

Officially, 17 of every thousand voters in North Providence has expired.

So, if you're in a room with 99 other voters in North Providence - let's say at Saint Anthony's next Sunday morning - and everyone else appears to be doing okay, there's a 50% chance you've shuffled off this mortal coil.

Be proud, my fellow citizens, both the vital and the not so much.

Remaining a voter after you've drawn your terminal breath is a testament to American civic dedication. And according to the statistics, North Providence takes the right to be heard into the next life more seriously than 37 other cities and towns in our fair state.

Now, it appears that there's a move to keep these voters out of the polling place. No one's claiming that any of them actually voted this time around - those statistics are still not available. But, certain elements would see to it that the dead can't vote.

Is there no one willing to step up and speak for those who no longer speak for themselves?

Who says that death means instant disenfranchisement?

If dead people want to vote, I say - let them!

It's time we stopped discriminating against people simply because they've passed away.

You see it everywhere. Just yesterday, I passed a nightclub with a sign out front that screamed, "Live Music!" They might as well put up a sign that says, "Dead People Not Welcome Here!"

Not fair, say I.

But, I'm told it's the law. Your right to vote passes when you do. And until someone has enough courage to change the law, the law must be upheld.

So, what to do? How do we ensure that the dead don't vote?

We could issue polling monitors small handheld mirrors, which would be held under the noses of prospective voters. If the mirror fogs up, then you can vote.

Okay, maybe that's impractical. Besides, if the mirror breaks, that's seven years of bad luck for everyone in the room. Except for dead voters, of course. They've used up all their bad luck.

Someone said it's tough to keep track of voters.

Live ones, sure. But dead ones? I suspect they stay put, making them easily trackable.

But it's more complex than that. It's a matter of access to records. The Secretary of State has to request the Death Master File from the Social Security Administration. From there, the Secretary of State passes the information along to the local canvassing authorities, who use it to purge the dead from their voting lists.

It's not a regular, ongoing process. In Rhode Island, the canvassers can only get direct information from the Department of Motor Vehicles - not exactly a model of information-sharing efficiency.

 Wait, here's an idea.

Every dead voter has to pass at some point into the care of a funeral director. So why not deputize every undertaker in the state? Make it their job to notify the local canvassing authorities of a person's termination of voting privileges. Of course, the state will have to pay them a little something - but it's worth it to keep the dead from voting.

You've heard of Rock The Vote?

We'll call this Block The Vote.

Problem solved.

I just hope our new Secretary of State is paying attention.

           
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Seen any dead people voting? Then join the North Providence Gang and let me know about it. Occasionally, I send out e-mails to get the Gang's opinion on topics related to our town. If you'd like to get in on the fun, send me an e-mail at frankocomedy@cox.net and I'll sign you up!