(UN)RELIABLE SOURCES: 015
THAR'S GOLD IN

THEM THAR SIGNS!

by FRANK O'DONNELL
OCTOBER 28, 2006

The rain is pelting the side of my house as I write, driven horizontally by 50 mile per hour gusts of wind. Outside, the twister scene from "The Wizard of Oz" rages. All manner of debris is flying past my window – fallen leaves, garbage pails, milk cartons, family pets, my neighbor's Toyota.   

More importantly than any of that, the storm is destroying the political crèche on my front lawn.

Perhaps crèche is the wrong term. It's more a political diorama. I've been busily collecting signs from every candidate, every party, every cause and carefully placing them along my sidewalk.

I've got all sides represented. I'm both for and against the Indian casino. I support Question 4, and I oppose it. I'm for the incumbent, and also for the upstart challenger.

I'm trying to be all things to all people.

My Sheldon Whitehouse sign sits over on the left side of my lawn. The Lincoln Chafee sign is on the right. Well, that's where it started. Ten minutes after I stuck it in, it moved to the middle of the lawn. It's been steadily inching to the left ever since.

The Don Carcieri and Charlie Fogarty signs have been duking it out for a front row slot. The Reggie Centracchio sign keeps knocking over the Elizabeth Roberts sign, trying to take command of the high ground.

Only Sue Stenhouse's sign stands unopposed.

It's not because I don't support her opponent, who is of course our beloved mayor. It's because I can't seem to hang onto my Mollis signs.

No sooner do I put one out than it disappears. You might think they were made of gold.

I stopped by Ralph's fashionable MSA HQ one night last week. All the lights were on – only one campaign worker was home.

I told him I needed another Mollis sign for my display, as the others keep disappearing.

He said he couldn't help me.

I thought he was kidding, but he wasn't smiling. I did a double take, just to confirm that I was in fact in Mollis HQ.

'It is his headquarters, but I don't work for him." Turns out he works for the Democratic State Committee. And because he didn't work for Ralph's campaign per se, he couldn't per se give me one of his signs.

I promised not to tell a soul. All I wanted was a Mollis sign. Where and how I got it would remain my secret.

But he remained firm, offering me a pad and pen instead. "If you write down your name and address, they'll bring one to you."

I gave up, and wrote down my information. I also requested a Charlie Fogarty sign to complete my collection. When he looked at the pad, he said, "Oh, I can give you a Fogarty sign."

"So," I said, "why not just give me a Mollis sign and pretend it's a, let's say, Patrick Kennedy sign?"

No such luck. "Can't do it," he said. I left with only my Fogarty sign.

The next day, I called the candidate himself to get the real story and left a message. I started thinking it would be easier to get a speed hump in front of my house than an A. Ralph sign.

But, Ralph's a busy guy these days, so John Fleming, his campaign manager, called instead.

"We've got them locked up," he told me. "The kid couldn't give you one without one of us being there."

Perhaps then there is gold in the signs after all. Maybe that's why someone keeps stealing them.

"We did have a lot of them stolen during the primary race," said John. "But people were stealing everything off lawns. Even signs that said who was painting a particular house – gone!"

So that's the reason for the high security?

"No, we just like to control them so we know who to send the thank you notes to when the election is over."

It's that simple. They were locked up somewhere inside the HQ for thank you note purposes.

Why the kid at HQ couldn't just tell me he didn't have a key, I'll never know.

That sure would have saved me a lot of aggravation.

But then I guess I'd have to find something else to write about, now wouldn't I?

           
** ** ** ** **

Care to join the North Providence Gang? Occasionally, I send out e-mails to get the Gang'' opinion on a variety of topics related to our town. If you'' like to get in on the fun, send me an email at frankocomedy@cox.net and I'll sign you up!