(UN)RELIABLE SOURCES: 012
MIND IF I INTERSECT?

by FRANK O'DONNELL
SEPTEMBER 10, 2006

My trusty Merriam Webster tells me that the verb intersect means to pierce or divide by passing through or across. Can you think of a place in the world that takes the word more literally than here in North Providence?

Even when you've got the green light, even when the other guy's got a stop sign, even when that yellow triangle with the funny word on it says it's okay to go, you've got to stop, look and listen before proceeding.

I mentioned this recently to some of my buddies, and boy, did it strike a nerve. Mention North Providence drivers and North Providence roadways, and tongues will wag.

The middle lane on Mineral Spring Avenue is always a hot topic. Designed for turns only, it's morphed into the express lane for the special drivers in town. "Yes, Officer, I do know it's only for turning, but do you know I've got a nail appointment in five minutes?"

Turn signals – or more accurately, the failure to employ them – comes up more often than not. One buddy theorizes that turn signals magically deactivate when drivers enter our town. You can sometimes spot him, at dusk, searching for electronic jamming devices on the backs of the Welcome to North Providence signs. Oliver Stone would be proud!

One buddy's pet peeve is that stretch of MSA – he calls it Miserable Spring Avenue – from Route 146 to Charles Street. There's something like 47 traffic signals along the way – 25 of them in front of Stop & Shop alone.

When I mention the town's intersections, two leap instantly to the front of the class.

The Centredale Rotary continues to confound motorists. Rotaries are being phased out of civil engineering plans even in Massachusetts, the birthplace of the traffic circles. But for some reason, we went ahead and built a completely obsolete traffic control device.

Rotaries were designed when traveling by automobile was still a novelty. Car speeds topped out at 20 miles per hour. Traffic signals hadn't been introduced yet, and you were often likely to be sharing the road with something drawn by an actual horse. (Today, we call that Glocester.)

For a rotary to work effectively, traffic approaching the rotary must yield to the traffic in the rotary. Perhaps it's the word itself that's tough to understand: yield. In the traffic sense, it means giving up your right of way, and handing it over to someone else.

In North Providence, that's a right drivers are simply unwilling to give up. It's like North Providence motorists have replaced their dashboard Saint Christophers with Independent Men. "The right of way is mine, and I'll fight for that right to my last breath!"

By far, the most-cursed intersection is where Smithfield Road meets Miserable Spring, at the Getty station.

If you're traveling west on MSA, and need to take a left to get to our Lady of Fatima Hospital, you're in luck. You've got a green arrow while the opposing traffic has a red light.

But, if you're in that opposing traffic, headed east, and need to take a left onto Smithfield to get to, let's say, my house, you've got to wait.

No green arrow for you! So you sit through a couple of light changes to take the turn safely. When you finally get to the head of the line, you've got to inch your way into the turn, and wait for someone to let you go.

But of course, that would mean someone coming from the east would have to yield, and if that driver's from North Providence, you can forget about it. So, you either wait for a tourist who doesn't know he's supposed to cut you off, or you do some cutting off of your own.

Remember how we earlier discussed piercing or dividing by passing through or across? You are intersecting in the strictest sense of the word, my friend!
Of course, if you're a special driver, just do what the other special drivers do. Cut through the Getty station. And don't bother slowing down - my buddy Ameen says no one ever does.

"Yes, Officer, I know I cut through the Getty station. I was going to get gas, but at the last minute, I decided not to. Is that a crime?"

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Care to join the North Providence Gang? Occasionally, I send out e-mails to get the Gang's opinion on a variety of topics related to our town. If you'd like to get in on the fun, send me an e-mail at frankocomedy@cox.net and I'll sign you up!