(UN)RELIABLE SOURCES: 005
Speed Humping!

by FRANK O'DONNELL
JUNE 2006

Wednesday is Hump Day.

Unless you live or travel on Countryside Drive in Lee's Plat or on Hillside Drive between High Service and Gentian.

Those are just two of the North Providence side streets where every day is Hump Day. Speed Hump Day, that is.

You've seen them. You've driven over them. You've been completely annoyed by them.

Portable plastic speed bumps that stretch curb-to-curb like giant yellow and black caterpillars.

"They're the answer to stop signs that were getting completely out of control," said a nameless but high-ranking DPW representative.

Out of control traffic control devices. The oxymoronic possibilities are endless.

A friend and I were discussing them over coffee recently. "They're all over town!" she said. "I hear there's a waiting list of people who want them in front of their houses."

Faithful readers will recall a recent column discussing the ease with which regular citizens could become traffic engineers, having stop signs erected like lawn ornaments in front of their homes.

When I discussed the situation with the Honorable A. Ralph, he told me the town council had resolved to scrutinize stop sign requests, putting an effective end to the outbreak of Octagonal Haltums.

I'm told that while there aren't as many Speed Humps – that's their real name, by the way – as stop signs, it's almost as easy to get one.

"The calls start coming in February," says the DPW rep. A citizen thinks people are going too fast down his street, and requests that the offending motorists get Humped.

I'm told traffic studies are conducted, and Humps are passed out as deemed necessary. No gratuitous Humping in this town – you've got to really deserve one.

Rest assured, once the Speed Hump is in place, it stays there until November. Last year, there was a Hump on nearby Wenscott Lane. It lasted until the first snow, when a plow partially decapitated it. I'm sure the DPW will be more careful to let the plow drivers know where the Humps are should the snow fall before November.

North Providence now has ten Speed Humps. So, "all over town" is a bit of an exaggeration. The new town budget, however, does call for four additional Humps, so there are more in our future.

If this keeps up, driving around North Providence could be like riding a roller coaster. I'll be keeping a close eye on the situation. When we get to 20 Speed Humps, I'm opening a shock absorber shop on Mineral Spring Avenue – I'll make a killing!

By the way, should you be interested in a personal Speed Hump – perhaps the kids are a little out of control biking down your driveway – call Barco Products of Batavia, IL. They're the Speed Hump Kings of the northern hemisphere.

Their catalog refers to the devices euphemistically as Speed Reducers.

According to their website, Barco specializes in parking lot equipment and supplies. I'd love to know if their traffic control application came from someone in our DPW or from a thinking-outside-the-box salesman.

While we're thinking outside the box, how long do you think it will be before some enterprising realtor realizes the potential for putting a Speed Hump in front of a house he's trying to sell?

And why stop there? Why not set out one of those nail strips that highway patrols use to stop fleeing felons? While you're waiting for AAA to come fix your shredded tires, you might as well take a house tour.

Turns out Barco also makes can crushers. Let's hope they don't combine their technologies.

If their Speed Humps don't get you to slow down, a special trap door in the road will open up, plunging your automobile into one of Barco's new Car Crushers. Naturally, the town gets to keep the revenue from the sale of the scrap metal. And because you'll have to buy a new car, property tax revenues will also increase.

Sometimes I scare myself.

FOLLOW UP: Thanks to all who responded to my column about all the donut shops on Mineral Spring Avenue. Many folks pointed out that I missed one – inside the Stop & Shop in Marieville. You're absolutely right. I ignored it completely, and to all those harmed by my failure to mention this Dunkin' Donuts, I apologize whole-heartedly. I'll throw an extra quarter in the tip cup next time I'm there. Honest.