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FRANK PIECES: The Pain of Holiday Shopping

by FRANK O'DONNELL
November 2005

Thank goodness for the Chiropractic Society of Rhode Island. Their latest press release could possibly get me out of the holiday activity I dislike most – shopping!

When it comes to shopping, there are three rules.

Rule number one: Men don't enjoy shopping. Men are hunters – and bargain hunting doesn't't count.

Rule number two: Women expect men to go shopping, if only to serve as sounding boards ("How does this look on me?") or as caretakers of personal items ("Will you hold my pocketbook while I go and try on these 47 bras?").

Rule number three: Men go shopping, if only to keep the peace.

Christmas shopping can be the worst shopping of all.

Now, don't picture me as Scrooge. I like giving and receiving nice things around the holidays. I just don't like going to the mall to get the nice things I'll be giving.

It's tough work, going from store to store, lugging all sorts of stuff in all sorts of containers and carrying contraptions. And if I say something like, "Can we take a break for a minute?" or "Gee, I'm getting tired," I'm in serious trouble. Minimally, I'm labeled a whiner and advised to buck up.

Well, I got news for you, buckaroo. A group of highly knowledgeable chiropractors says that holiday shopping can cause back, neck and musculoskeletal pain.

There you have it, your honor, the proof you need.

Shopping is bad for you!

I, for one, don't want to do anything bad for me – unless I really enjoy it, but that's not the case with shopping.

Uh oh, wait a minute, the chiropractors suggest that these pains can be avoided by treating holiday shopping as an athletic event.

Oooh, these guys are clever. First, they tell you that shopping is bad for you. Then, they tell you that if you act like a jock, you'll be fine. What guy wants to admit that he can't act like a jock?

Insidious, that's what they are.

But, tell you what, I'm okay with that. Never been a jock, never wanted to be a jock, don't see jockdom in my future.

They suggest that you drink plenty of water to keep your muscles and your body hydrated. All well and good, but unless your planning on self-catheterization or stocking up on Depends, you'll need to be careful just how hydrated you get.
Plenty of hydration means plenty of visits to the porcelain palace. Let's face it, using the rest rooms at the mall isn't going to do a thing to reduce your stress level.

Stretch, they suggest, as if you're about to run a marathon. When you're under stress – the stress of holiday shopping, lest we forget – your muscles are less flexible. "Gee, honey, I guess I didn't stretch enough, because I just can't seem to get the credit card out of my pocket. Looks like we'll have to go home."

Wear cushioned soles and comfortable clothing. Yeah, right. Dressed like that, you'll never get into Nordstrom's.

Wait, a second, that's not a bad thing, never mind.

Take frequent breaks, but avoid coffee, because caffeine dehydrates you, adding to your stress. Okay, I'm sorry, but coffee helps me deal with stress. No way I'm heading out for a day of shopping without chugging a Box O' Joe first.

Don't lug heavy packages around. Simple solution: no shoppee, no luggee.

So here's my plan. I'm printing out this press release, and handing it to my wife the day after Thanksgiving. "I'd love to go shopping with you, darling, but my chiropractor and a bunch of his friends say it could be bad for my health. You don't want me doing anything dangerous, do you, dear?"

And if you happen to run into me at the mall in the next couple of weeks, and my arm's in a sling, then you'll know my plan didn't work.