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FRANK PIECES: Father's Day Gifting

by FRANK O'DONNELL
June 2006

I'm worried that I don't fit the Father Profile.

If the Father's Day gift ads I've been seeing are any indication, I'm way off the radar screen. I might as well be in Antarctica.

The typical American Dad is a handyman who golfs, fishes, barbecues and roots passionately for a favorite sports team.

While I'm capable of all of the above, I don't see any of them as the basis for Father's Day gifts.

I Googled Father's Day Gifts, looking for outside-the-box suggestions.

One site - http://presentpicker.com - suggests that it really doesn't matter what you give Dad for Father's Day. "At the risk of being too general," say they, "Dads seem to be happy with just about anything you give them."

So, if putting some thought into the gift selection doesn't make a difference anyway, here are some thoughtless suggestions:

• an embossed pocket flask – perfect for that little pick-me-up at work, or to sneak into the AA meetings;
• a silver plated personalized yo-yo – perfect for whiling away the time stuck in traffic (in a pinch, it can also be used for self-protection);
• a "Day & Night Leather Money Clip & Card Case" – for the dad who's tired of having to switch wallets based on the presence of the sun; and
• a Par B-Q Utensil Set – "clever" cooking tools combining two typical dad pastimes into one (the implements have golf grips, the tongs are shaped like golf balls, and the spatula like a golf club).

Another site – www.askmen.com - has constructed a Top Ten list of Father's Day Gifts. Three are related to sports, golfing and fishing. There's nothing barbecue-related, however, so I'm not sure we can take the list seriously.

That said, Number 9 struck a note. A Swiss Army Knife. Now those are cool. A foldout knife, fork and spoon, combined with a corkscrew, both genres of screwdrivers and a scissor. The one they show even has a divot repair tool. Which would come in handy if I created divots, but I don't. However, it does look like it could open a beer bottle, so all is not lost.

Number 4 is interesting. A grooming kit.

"Built with the highest quality material, this elegant leather case contains a point tweezer, facial hair scissors, a skin care tool, a sapphire nail file, a toenail clipper, a power nail clipper, and a power hangnail clipper. The perfect gift for the businessman who enjoys the rugged outside weekend lifestyle, yet wants to keep his hands and fingernails looking great for office duties."

I'm not sure why, but I find that whole paragraph a little unsettling. Maybe it's the concept of powering up a nail clipper. Or perhaps it's the idea that a rugged outdoorsman worries that his nails won't look good in the boardroom.

The Number 1 gift? A watch. The site suggests that dad will think of you every time he checks the time. He'll certainly remember you the moment it stops working. "At least ties don't break down," he'll mutter.

A quick personal note, if you don't mind, to my own children. This Father's Day, pay no attention to all those ads, or to any of these websites.

I don't need a Shop Vac from Lowe's. What I do need is for you to remember to put the shower curtain on the inside when you're cleaning up.

I don't need a ride-on lawn mower from Home Depot. But if you were to cut the grass, that would be great.

I do enjoy a good barbecue, but the folks at Bugaboo Steak House do it so much better than I ever could. Hint hint.