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FRANK PIECES: Who Wants To Be A Cowboy?

by FRANK O'DONNELL
May 2006

They call it the Toughest Sport on Dirt. Professional bull riding.

I missed their event last year at the Dunkin' Donuts Center. This year, I vowed not to miss it. When I heard they were on the calendar again for June 2 and 3, I called the Professional Bull Riders Association headquarters in Colorado to try to set up an interview with a rider.

"Well, they're not set until the week before the event," said the girl who finally returned my call.

"Okay, then," I said, "I'll talk to any rider."      

"It would really be better if you talked to one who'll be there."

I guess that would be the rodeo's version of Catch 22.

I plead my case, saying that bull riding isn't an every day event in the Ocean State.

"We were there last year!" said the bull girl.

I understand that. But let's face it, kids born in Rhode Island don't exactly dream of growing up to become rodeo cowboys. They dream of becoming state workers, politicians and/or lawyers, or cast members on "The Sopranos."

Finally, I was offered a press kit. And what a press kit. Everything I ever wanted to know about Professional Bull Riding, and more.

First, I misspoke. This is not the rodeo. According to the press kit, the most popular event at the rodeo now stands on its own.

The numbers are impressive. One million attendees per year at PBR events, and growing. Over 100 million TV viewers. The PBR claims theirs is the fastest growing sport in America.

It's definitely got redneck appeal. When the riders win an event, they're presented with a belt buckle. To paraphrase Jeff Foxworthy, you know you're a redneck if you wear your athletic trophies.

The PBR World Champion's belt buckle is worth $10,000. You also know you're a redneck if your athletic trophy is worth more than your car.

Here's the deal about bull riding.

You get eight seconds to score. The eight seconds starts when the bull's shoulder clears the plane of the bucking chute. Your clock stops when your riding hand comes out of the rope tied to the bull, or when you, the rider, touch the ground.

Top score is 100 points – based half on you, and half on the bull under you.

So, you could have the ride of your life, but be on top of a lackluster bull, and only garner 50 points. The judges can, however, grant you a re-ride if they say your bull was worse than all the others in the competition.

You have to keep one hand in the air at all times. If it touches the bull in any way before your eight seconds is up – let's say to keep that twisting horn from goring you – you're disqualified.

It doesn't look like it, but these bull riders are wearing protection.

Their cowboy hats are reinforced, to help protect them when they're tossed to the ground. Their protective vests are designed to "cut down" on gorings. So is not riding a bull to begin with, but what do I know?

You're allowed to wear a helmet and mask, but the other cowboys will start making Brokeback Mountain jokes about you.

If I were riding, I'd want to be suited up like a hockey goalie. Better yet, put me in a Michelin Man costume.

This factoid amazed me. While athletic protectors are allowed, "not one PBR athlete wears one!" Wearing a cup while riding a bull is uncomfortable, says the literature. I've never met an actual bull rider, but I'll bet they all sound like Mickey Mouse – which might explain why they wouldn't set up an interview.

The press kit provides info on all the bull riders on the tour. Hometowns, stats, wins, impressive dustings (that's what they call it when you get bucked off your bull and end up face down in the dirt). I wonder if kids in Montana have bull rider trading cards.

What didn't impress me were some of the names of the cowboys. The 2005 PBR champ was Justin McBride.

Justin McBride? Wasn't he the lead singer with New Kids on the Block?

That's not a cowboy name.

Neither is Jody Newberry, Brandon Berry, Josh Kosher or Adam Carrillo.

Adam Carrillo? Isn't he Pauline Walnut's nephew?

There are a few real cowboy names on the tour.

Clint Craig, Wiley Peters, Jake McIntyre. They sound like rough and tumble sorts, the kind of guys you could argue with over a poker table while you've got a mouthful of chewing tobacco.

Here's my favorite PBR cowboy name. Tater Porter.

Or, as they call him after last week's dusting aboard Grave Digger, Mashed Taters.

[The Professional Bull Riders Tour slams into the Dunkin Donuts Center June 2 and 3. For tickets and information, call the Drunk's Box Office at (401) 331-6700, or check out their web site at www.dunkindonutscenter.com. For more information on the PBR, check out their web site – it's pretty entertaining – at www.pbrnow.com.]